Hi.
So, I sort of forget what happened this week. But I will do an archaeological dig in my mind for it.
Oh god. I'm becoming my mother. ... In the forgetting sense. If I were becoming Mamma Nim in other senses, I would be rejoicing because she is a a graceful, beautiful Angel, and I would be so lucky.
But here's the low-down.
I switched the big C-Day to tomorrow (Friday). Bumped it ahead a day earlier because I work all day/all night Saturday and then also on Sunday night. So, why would I wait until Monday (that would be crazy. Especially if you knew how BONKERS my Endocrine system is right now. Seriously, Adrenal Glands... slow it.) Nonetheless, I want sugar sooner rather than later.
Hmm... Well, I'm still daydreaming about the Blueberry Pie I ate from Bakerbots last week. If you need to find the greatest bakery in Toronto, please go here. It's, at the very least, a candidate. This week I'm going to try either the Apple Pie, or the Chocolate/Banana Layer Cake... oh ya. That one has been eye-ing me for quite some time.
On Saturday I found this WICKED Yerba Mate Cafe. Everyone has probably discovered this before me, but I went to it for the first time, and it is TO DIE FOR. I had an iced one. And then I went to the Poetry Slam... and won it. My $80 was spent on groceries mostly. And then some new flip flops.
I worked a lot this week, which is why it all seems a-blurr. I did, in the midst of it all, buy some meat from The Friendly Butcher. And, although it cost me a WICKED penny, it was WELL-worth it. I BBQ'd. It was phenomenal: Grilled Artichokes are officially my bitch.
And the hot weather left. That was sad. Knock on Wood.
And now it's Thursday. It's definitely weird to be having a cheat day tomorrow... I don't feel hungry for it. Well, I'm still craving, but not as hard.
And my body is going HAY wire. I've been REALLY good about working out. Every morning I do something. Mon-Wed-Fri I do 125 Swings of Kenny in a row. Plus also the Ab/Plank/Butt Workout. Tu-Thurs-Sat I do this little cardio guy I found on the fourhourpeople.com website. Sundays I take off. I'm not a MACHINE, people.
I also discovered and have found a grasp on my Lats this week. Like, I've met them... with my mind. My mind + body + soul equation is forming, essentially. (muah ha ha, my master plan... for world domination in the form of cruciferous vegetables is coming into fruition!! But not... fruit-ition. No, that would be my arch nemesis............. get it?) OH, also I have been avoiding wine all together and caffeine. And? Result? I've been having wonderful sleeps. More importantly, I've been waking up oh so rested. It's crazy. I've also been drinking Yerba Mate on the reg. And it supposedly doesn't disrupt your sleep cycle. And I suppose that is a TRUE fact.
Importantly, I'm loving my hair, and I'm loving my body. It feels and looks like its changing constantly. I went bathing suit shopping yesterday (didn't buy, just looking) and tried on SO MANY. Something that was once a nightmare to me, or at least something that I would justify, was sort of... fun. Now, I say justify not as like, "I'm fat but I GUESS this looks fine." No. But for me, I would justify in the sense of being like, "Well, I guess this doesn't look bad." I didn't really know. I didn't know, at my previous weight how good I could look because I really didn't care about my physical being (and therefore my emotional one). That I could be happy, that I could look good if I wanted to. And losing weight seems to be the right way to discover this. This being me justifying my weight loss, which for some reason I constantly feel like I need to do. But what's once more, eh?
I do it because I enjoy it. I enjoy seeing myself reach my goals- both weight goals, and non-weight ones with the confidence I continue to gain- I enjoy seeing myself overcome challenges. Because for some of us, just "not eating the bad foods," isn't like... a fucking switch. Pardon the F bomb, but when I hear from some people how it's so easy for them to just eat healthy, I'm like... Well, it's not easy for some people. Like, "Oh? Well, I just don't drink the pop!" or "Oh, I just don't eat the junk food!" Seriously? Would you say to someone who is depressed, "Oh, well, I just don't get sad!" Like...WHAT!! It's HARD. Just like you have challenges in other ways of your life, some of us have challenges on the mental plain. Just like, quitting smoking isn't easy, or like how being happy isn't easy.... Some times the mountains in your head seem small from a distance, but to you they are rigorous and you constantly want to get back to land. Some people, I bet, don't even have mountains. Must be nice.
I enjoy seeing myself be myself. I enjoy learning it without people telling me what would look good, but just discovering it.
Like, when I would watch shows, or listen to people give advice how to "give yourself a waist" or, how to "accent your curves," "Bathing suits for YOUR shape," etc etc, well, it sort of feels daunting. And it also feels like... you can't discover how things look on you because you're being told not to wear them. It becomes out of your control... and in terms of control of how I look, I think I have a pretty good grasp of that. Or I'm starting to learn how to enjoy what I wear-- that clothes aren't something to reach the bare minimum of looking acceptable in, or the bare minimum of looking pretty in. If I wanted to wear a garbage bag... well, I would probably find a way to class it up. I'm learning, perhaps very shallow-ly, through clothing, who I really am. I always looked at people being like... wow, they look so put together. And now I am learning that for me, that just means enjoying looking at myself. Enjoying taking the time to put myself together; not avoiding it because well, that would be facing the fears of my appearance. I've been avoiding it for a while, mostly.
It's also sort of weird. Now that I am taking time to care for myself (eating healthy, working out, embracing my body...blah blah blah,) I am worrying less of what other people think of me. OH, don't get me wrong; it's still quite the daunting emotion, but as of late, I'm listening to myself, and trying to stay... oh god... in my head. Yes, I am crazy. I'm cray. I'm cray-o-la cray-ons. I don't even really know how to explain that, other than to repeat it: staying in my head. It's a metaphor, you jack-asses. But also, sort of not. (Please see 2 sentences ago re: me being cray.)
But, in terms of cray, I think I'm gonna go a little cray tomorrow:
Here is the CHEAT DAY LINE UP (< imagine an announcer said that. Like from a sports game. Or a cereal commercial...)
- Insomnia Brunch; DO THEY HAVE THAT TOMORROW?!!! IVE BEEN DYING TO GO!
- Fresh for Lunch
- CINNABON! I still have that goddamn giftcard.
- Bakerbots cake + Ice Cream.
- B. E. E. R.
- Ice cream cone from that ice cream truck at Markham and Bloor
- Street Meat (I didn't get it last time)
- Reese's Pieces
- I'm open to suggestions
Farethewell, loves.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Mulligan'd.
Happy Friday, Friends, Readers, Romans and Countrymen.
As you are all enjoying beer and barbecues, I'm drinking Mason Jar after Mason Jar of Water. It's really filling. People have a really hard time believing that. But... it's actually true. I fully didn't want a bite of your cookie, or your fry. No... I promise. I'm full and satiated, focused, content, and would prefer to not snowball into needing 25 more of whatever sugary processed thing that I normally crave.
But... surprise. I haven't been craving much! Is the diet working? Or is it magic (Harry? Is that you? Are you here? If so, please tell them to take me at Hogwarts...sincerely, 11 year old me). Probably the former. Which, is kind of nuts.
Let me explain. I may have been eating like an ABSOLUTE QUEEN this past few weeks since we last spoke. When you are forced into boundaries, you sometimes seize the occasion and can get mighty creative. The basic boundaries of my diet are like... (a lil refresher for the newbs here, skip to the next paragraph if you already know/ don't care.) 1) No white carbs: all bread, rice (including brown), cereal, potatoes, pasta, fried food with breading, grains. Yeah. None of that sh*t. 2)Eat the same few meals over and over again (easy to do, because I only buy groceries for myself and consume only those foods... also we have a garden... more on that later...) 3) Don't drink your calories (aka, only water, tea, and black coffee are allowed.) 4) Don't eat fruit. Yep. Sorry that I'm not sorry at all. Sugars from fruit are converted into glycerol phosphate more efficiently than ANY carb. Glycerol Phos. turns into triglycerides via the liver which then becomes fat storage. Yep. If you wanna lose weight. Cut fruit 6 days a week. Dare you to try. Oh, minus tomatoes and avocados. 5) Binge eat once a week. CHEAT DAY. ... We all know cheat day.
Anywho... I've been gettin' creative.
I found this amazing website, http://www.eslowcarbdiet.com/, that tells you a simple yes or no to a food you type in. For the most part its pretty good. Because there are always questionable things. Yeah, so I've been able to get super creative. With the help of one simple thing...
Herbs. FRESH BEAUTIFUL HERBS. They come from my GARDEN (and by "my" I mostly mean, "the garden of 95 Olive" and by that I also mostly mean, "primarily funded by the truly amazing Tess Benger.") So, I've been throwing in some, ya know, fresh rosemary... dill.... cilantro... CHIVES (god I LOVE chives...) Basil.. And then I also sometimes make a lil salaahhd with oh, no big deal, fresh Arugula, or Kale. Yep. All from the amazing garDENN. Tomatoes and Cuc.'s are soon to come. Hopefully I am around when they are born.
So, specifically, I've had like... Lamb, or Beef or chicken (all the good kinda stuff) This past week. Then I make a dressing with ginger, garlic, olive oil, balsamic, salt and pepper. Yow-za. It is UNREAL. Throw that on my mixture of Kale, Arugula, Tomato, Avocado, Cauliflower and Zucchini and call it a day. I have been adding a LOT more water to my diet, and I feel like this is helping IMMENSELY.
It's crazy. I used to be so confused with what my body was telling me. I would feel tired, and crave food, so I would indulge in those cravings and feel better for a moment, then feel like tired and even worse usually. I would feel what I would think is hungry, and eat until it actually hurt my tummy (not in a binge way, but just to what I thought it meant to be full. AKA, bloated usually). What I'm learning about my body is completely different; when I am tired, I actually am often hungry. Hungry for vitamins in vegetables and protein in meat. My body is simply feeling tired cause its like "we're WORKIN' HERE!" and then I'm like, "Oh, yeah! Sorry guys." And give them some fuel to complete the Krebs cycle or digestion, or circulating blood, or repairing my ripped 125-swings-in-a-row muscles. Bodys are NUTS, PEOPLE! NUTS I SAY.
Oh, nuts are also good, too.
But then, in continuing with the whole learning bit: when I think I'm hungry... that for me is this little rumbling, or ache below the rib cage, and a desire in the back of my mouth, I actually just want water. Like.. thats, for me, dehydration. I drink a big-ass glass of h20 and I'm like... "HELL-OO!!! WE'RE ROLLIN!!!!"
Which, also, I think, has Much Ado About my cravings. (the lesser known Shakespeare.) I seriously haven't even had the emotional want for sweets this week. ITS. SO. STRANGE. WHO. AM. I!??
Oh, speaking of life revelations, I cut off all of my hair. Much like I promised. If you wanna see pics... Give me a call, you jerk! I probably haven't heard from you in a WHILE. Just kidding. Follow my twitter or Instagram @emileenim. Or, check my latest FB post. If this were Tumblr, or even Wordpress, I bet I'd be able to post a pic.... But Bloggeer is confusing...let me try
[try break]
As you are all enjoying beer and barbecues, I'm drinking Mason Jar after Mason Jar of Water. It's really filling. People have a really hard time believing that. But... it's actually true. I fully didn't want a bite of your cookie, or your fry. No... I promise. I'm full and satiated, focused, content, and would prefer to not snowball into needing 25 more of whatever sugary processed thing that I normally crave.
But... surprise. I haven't been craving much! Is the diet working? Or is it magic (Harry? Is that you? Are you here? If so, please tell them to take me at Hogwarts...sincerely, 11 year old me). Probably the former. Which, is kind of nuts.
Let me explain. I may have been eating like an ABSOLUTE QUEEN this past few weeks since we last spoke. When you are forced into boundaries, you sometimes seize the occasion and can get mighty creative. The basic boundaries of my diet are like... (a lil refresher for the newbs here, skip to the next paragraph if you already know/ don't care.) 1) No white carbs: all bread, rice (including brown), cereal, potatoes, pasta, fried food with breading, grains. Yeah. None of that sh*t. 2)Eat the same few meals over and over again (easy to do, because I only buy groceries for myself and consume only those foods... also we have a garden... more on that later...) 3) Don't drink your calories (aka, only water, tea, and black coffee are allowed.) 4) Don't eat fruit. Yep. Sorry that I'm not sorry at all. Sugars from fruit are converted into glycerol phosphate more efficiently than ANY carb. Glycerol Phos. turns into triglycerides via the liver which then becomes fat storage. Yep. If you wanna lose weight. Cut fruit 6 days a week. Dare you to try. Oh, minus tomatoes and avocados. 5) Binge eat once a week. CHEAT DAY. ... We all know cheat day.
Anywho... I've been gettin' creative.
I found this amazing website, http://www.eslowcarbdiet.com/, that tells you a simple yes or no to a food you type in. For the most part its pretty good. Because there are always questionable things. Yeah, so I've been able to get super creative. With the help of one simple thing...
Herbs. FRESH BEAUTIFUL HERBS. They come from my GARDEN (and by "my" I mostly mean, "the garden of 95 Olive" and by that I also mostly mean, "primarily funded by the truly amazing Tess Benger.") So, I've been throwing in some, ya know, fresh rosemary... dill.... cilantro... CHIVES (god I LOVE chives...) Basil.. And then I also sometimes make a lil salaahhd with oh, no big deal, fresh Arugula, or Kale. Yep. All from the amazing garDENN. Tomatoes and Cuc.'s are soon to come. Hopefully I am around when they are born.
So, specifically, I've had like... Lamb, or Beef or chicken (all the good kinda stuff) This past week. Then I make a dressing with ginger, garlic, olive oil, balsamic, salt and pepper. Yow-za. It is UNREAL. Throw that on my mixture of Kale, Arugula, Tomato, Avocado, Cauliflower and Zucchini and call it a day. I have been adding a LOT more water to my diet, and I feel like this is helping IMMENSELY.
It's crazy. I used to be so confused with what my body was telling me. I would feel tired, and crave food, so I would indulge in those cravings and feel better for a moment, then feel like tired and even worse usually. I would feel what I would think is hungry, and eat until it actually hurt my tummy (not in a binge way, but just to what I thought it meant to be full. AKA, bloated usually). What I'm learning about my body is completely different; when I am tired, I actually am often hungry. Hungry for vitamins in vegetables and protein in meat. My body is simply feeling tired cause its like "we're WORKIN' HERE!" and then I'm like, "Oh, yeah! Sorry guys." And give them some fuel to complete the Krebs cycle or digestion, or circulating blood, or repairing my ripped 125-swings-in-a-row muscles. Bodys are NUTS, PEOPLE! NUTS I SAY.
Oh, nuts are also good, too.
But then, in continuing with the whole learning bit: when I think I'm hungry... that for me is this little rumbling, or ache below the rib cage, and a desire in the back of my mouth, I actually just want water. Like.. thats, for me, dehydration. I drink a big-ass glass of h20 and I'm like... "HELL-OO!!! WE'RE ROLLIN!!!!"
Which, also, I think, has Much Ado About my cravings. (the lesser known Shakespeare.) I seriously haven't even had the emotional want for sweets this week. ITS. SO. STRANGE. WHO. AM. I!??
Oh, speaking of life revelations, I cut off all of my hair. Much like I promised. If you wanna see pics... Give me a call, you jerk! I probably haven't heard from you in a WHILE. Just kidding. Follow my twitter or Instagram @emileenim. Or, check my latest FB post. If this were Tumblr, or even Wordpress, I bet I'd be able to post a pic.... But Bloggeer is confusing...let me try
[try break]
Whoa. It worked. Well, follow me on social media anyway.
So yeah! I'm really getting into it, and in turn, loving my body, and perhaps due to the recent inspiration of having no hair, I am, in turn, feeling motivated, and jazzed. Yeah... definitely jazzed. Like I had mentioned in a previous blog, Body + Mind + Soul = Highly Functioning Emilee. It's a good balance. I know it won't be like this forever. Sometimes you need to wear your scars, your faults, your past, your battlewounds, your weaknesses, your mishaps and bumps.. wear them as a jacket. Its who you are but not who you need to be. you can change yourself. It's definitely not easy. Not easy in a way that can only be described as... try pushing a wall... and that's it physicalized. But it is possible. And it's important to remember the scars because, you have them to know you can move past them, and also to make you say to yourself during 1 minute and 15 seconds into plank, "I'm changing. I'm actually PHYSICALLY changing right now." And it's, for me at least, almost as if burning cal, or workin' out, or swingin Kenny, well, every time I do it, the sad, or confused, or unhappy with herself Emilee, just goes away with it.
Maybe you think this is crazy. ... Not so different.
Maybe you feel sorry for me because it's a really weird way to live. ... No need.
But mostly, I feel like a goddess-super-woman who finally can BE HERSELF. And am SO GLAD I took this risk... of chopping all of the golden baby locks off. Who knows, maybe it will grow back thick? Might be nice. Maybe it will grow back brown? Hope not. Should I hope that it grows back the same? Or would that be a step in the wrong direction.
The future is scary.
Thank god for Carey Mulligan.
Night Peeps.
PS
Tomorrow:
1) Farmers Market
2) Grapefruit + snacks I find there
3) Meringue, Ginger Cookies
4) Iced Oh Canada
5) Pizza
6) Beer
7) Matcha Kit Kats
8) PIE FROM BAKERBOTS!!!!
9) Ravioli?
10) Street meat. Obv.
11) Anything else?
Xo.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Rollercoasters are fun and also scary
So I just finished a plate of extra lean organic ground beef, sauerkraut, and broccoli. It actually tasted so good. No. Seriously.
...I never said it was a goddamn lasagna. But it was good for what it was.
So, I'm actually doing...medium! It's good... like, not climbing up the roller coaster, nor am I going down a cray drop. I was actually the strongest ever when today I prepped for the big C tomorrow, bought Figs, a Grapefruit, a Sea Salt and Dark Chocolate Bar and Mini Toblerones... and was not tempted AT ALL to have it. Also, yesterday, when those Carlsburg girls were giving away FREE samples of beer and I refused mine, THEN my boyf. took mine, and then I didn't even take ONE SIP! I didn't put even a LITTLE cream in my coffee (even though we are allowed a little), and I took a free beer off the street but am saving it...(if you were downtown yesterday, this sentence will not seem sketchy.)
The self praise is a little over the top, I agree. But the diet has recently been like THIS (I'm about to pull the poet card... well, not fully, but a metaphor is coming your way in 3...2...1...)
Well, you know when you're reading a book that you either not really into, or is way over your head, and you're always like counting the pages to the next chapter... or when you can stop, or how much you SHOULD read because you feel obliged to at least make it to the next page, or because you're embarrassed at how stupid you would seem if you only finished a paragraph, or basically...how much longer until the end. Yeah. You want the book to be done, the reading is hard, and you just want the knowledge and inspiration/ life altering moments and understanding of the world to be IN YOUR HEAD. ......PS, I'm currently in the middle/ very beginning of Beloved, the Pulitzer winning book by Toni Morrison... and EVERY SENTENCE requires like... ten minutes of reflecting. It's not an easy read. Which is very parallel to my diet.
I digress
So, recently, I'm like.... UGGGHHHH, I JUST want to be skinny. Let's stop "enjoying the ride," and get the eff to the destination already. The destination being....bikini season... and me in one. Until today/ yesterday/ I was all like this annoyed-ness. But today I was pretty strong. (Usually I am, on the brink of cheat day. Especially a short week-- it was Tess's birthday--a wonderful day---I'll explain later.)
It's just like...that crazy realization when I'm never gonna be that person with wonderfully fantastic metabolism. Or is just naturally thin. I'm never gonna be that person who didn't have big hips. I never let myself go, but I never was. I'm always going to have to refuse the dessert with a LITTLE sadness. I'm always going to want the mac and cheese instead of the salad. I'm always going to have to work at this. Really hard. Like being stuck under the blanket-hard... don't pretend like you don't know and don't hate that feeling. The progress sometimes feels like its is millimeter-ing along. And I'm the whiniest little biotch about it, being like... uggghhhh, I just want to stay in the cloud FOREVER on this day off, and not swing Kenny! And I would want to slap myself across the face if I was watching me be so annoying on those days.
Until today. I pat myself on the back yet again. Today was good.
I sort of had this OTHER realization as well. The realization that I am being a baby. And that my body is CAPABLE. So I need to start using it to its whole potential. Like, today when I held the plank for 2 minutes, and in my head was like, "YEAH! YES! WHY WOULD I EVEN GIVE UP NOW! STROOONNNGGG BODIES!!!!" combined with a very calm, "All I'm doing is holding myself up. This is easy. This is nothing. I am a bridge. I am just a bridge for one minute and 50 seconds...51 seconds...thats all! just a bridge. Just holdin up. It's not like I'm physically incapable of this. I should see how long it takes until I literally stop...2:01"
Yeah, just PUSH YOUR BODY, Emilee. This is what I need to remember.
Oh, also...
"The black bird flies over the yellow moon remember that." - Oliver Bailey.
Next:
Tomorrow is Cheat Day. Aside from the things I picked up and listed above, I'm also going to go for Indian Food, Movie Popcorn, and of COURSE Bakerbots Pie..... I've literally been dreaming of that.
ALSO THINGS I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF:
Me eating sour keys and regretting it: LITERALLY woke me up, I was so scared.
I also dreamed of me eating baked goods a couple of nights ago, and woke up thinking I had fully cheated.
It's like my subconscious is chasing me dangling a big ole Red Velvet Cupcake in front of my face. And I am running away TERRIFIED, like a child in a haunted house. Or... me after seeing Paranormal Activity 3...at 23 years of age. PS, NEVER SEE THAT MOVIE.
So, yeah, it was Tess's birthday a couple of days ago, and I had delicious drinks and AMAZING raw vegan avocado-chocolate cake. I also had a Pizza slice from Magic Oven. (Yes, Dave, I used my 3rd place prize.)
And I had a Bueno bar, a piece of Bread... lots of Latte's from work. Yeah, it was a pretty excellent day! And I was going to wait until not tomorrow, but the following Saturday... but since feeling the aforementioned feelings of defeated-ness, I decided that we do it tomorrow.
Maybe I'll get an ice cream, too.
Ultimately I need to Shake the Dust
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u--_-tyuejc
And I think it will be me going Carey Mulligan-ing my hair. That way swinging the kettle won't seem as mundane/routine/boring/labourous when I'm soon thinking about how to dress with my new hugely different hairstyle. ...Or crying about how unfeminine I feel. Either way. Gotta give yourself a curve ball. Otherwise its a gradual roll down a very not steep hill to the grave.
And on THAT positive note... night folks.
...I never said it was a goddamn lasagna. But it was good for what it was.
So, I'm actually doing...medium! It's good... like, not climbing up the roller coaster, nor am I going down a cray drop. I was actually the strongest ever when today I prepped for the big C tomorrow, bought Figs, a Grapefruit, a Sea Salt and Dark Chocolate Bar and Mini Toblerones... and was not tempted AT ALL to have it. Also, yesterday, when those Carlsburg girls were giving away FREE samples of beer and I refused mine, THEN my boyf. took mine, and then I didn't even take ONE SIP! I didn't put even a LITTLE cream in my coffee (even though we are allowed a little), and I took a free beer off the street but am saving it...(if you were downtown yesterday, this sentence will not seem sketchy.)
The self praise is a little over the top, I agree. But the diet has recently been like THIS (I'm about to pull the poet card... well, not fully, but a metaphor is coming your way in 3...2...1...)
Well, you know when you're reading a book that you either not really into, or is way over your head, and you're always like counting the pages to the next chapter... or when you can stop, or how much you SHOULD read because you feel obliged to at least make it to the next page, or because you're embarrassed at how stupid you would seem if you only finished a paragraph, or basically...how much longer until the end. Yeah. You want the book to be done, the reading is hard, and you just want the knowledge and inspiration/ life altering moments and understanding of the world to be IN YOUR HEAD. ......PS, I'm currently in the middle/ very beginning of Beloved, the Pulitzer winning book by Toni Morrison... and EVERY SENTENCE requires like... ten minutes of reflecting. It's not an easy read. Which is very parallel to my diet.
I digress
So, recently, I'm like.... UGGGHHHH, I JUST want to be skinny. Let's stop "enjoying the ride," and get the eff to the destination already. The destination being....bikini season... and me in one. Until today/ yesterday/ I was all like this annoyed-ness. But today I was pretty strong. (Usually I am, on the brink of cheat day. Especially a short week-- it was Tess's birthday--a wonderful day---I'll explain later.)
It's just like...that crazy realization when I'm never gonna be that person with wonderfully fantastic metabolism. Or is just naturally thin. I'm never gonna be that person who didn't have big hips. I never let myself go, but I never was. I'm always going to have to refuse the dessert with a LITTLE sadness. I'm always going to want the mac and cheese instead of the salad. I'm always going to have to work at this. Really hard. Like being stuck under the blanket-hard... don't pretend like you don't know and don't hate that feeling. The progress sometimes feels like its is millimeter-ing along. And I'm the whiniest little biotch about it, being like... uggghhhh, I just want to stay in the cloud FOREVER on this day off, and not swing Kenny! And I would want to slap myself across the face if I was watching me be so annoying on those days.
Until today. I pat myself on the back yet again. Today was good.
I sort of had this OTHER realization as well. The realization that I am being a baby. And that my body is CAPABLE. So I need to start using it to its whole potential. Like, today when I held the plank for 2 minutes, and in my head was like, "YEAH! YES! WHY WOULD I EVEN GIVE UP NOW! STROOONNNGGG BODIES!!!!" combined with a very calm, "All I'm doing is holding myself up. This is easy. This is nothing. I am a bridge. I am just a bridge for one minute and 50 seconds...51 seconds...thats all! just a bridge. Just holdin up. It's not like I'm physically incapable of this. I should see how long it takes until I literally stop...2:01"
Yeah, just PUSH YOUR BODY, Emilee. This is what I need to remember.
Oh, also...
"The black bird flies over the yellow moon remember that." - Oliver Bailey.
Next:
Tomorrow is Cheat Day. Aside from the things I picked up and listed above, I'm also going to go for Indian Food, Movie Popcorn, and of COURSE Bakerbots Pie..... I've literally been dreaming of that.
ALSO THINGS I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF:
Me eating sour keys and regretting it: LITERALLY woke me up, I was so scared.
I also dreamed of me eating baked goods a couple of nights ago, and woke up thinking I had fully cheated.
It's like my subconscious is chasing me dangling a big ole Red Velvet Cupcake in front of my face. And I am running away TERRIFIED, like a child in a haunted house. Or... me after seeing Paranormal Activity 3...at 23 years of age. PS, NEVER SEE THAT MOVIE.
So, yeah, it was Tess's birthday a couple of days ago, and I had delicious drinks and AMAZING raw vegan avocado-chocolate cake. I also had a Pizza slice from Magic Oven. (Yes, Dave, I used my 3rd place prize.)
And I had a Bueno bar, a piece of Bread... lots of Latte's from work. Yeah, it was a pretty excellent day! And I was going to wait until not tomorrow, but the following Saturday... but since feeling the aforementioned feelings of defeated-ness, I decided that we do it tomorrow.
Maybe I'll get an ice cream, too.
Ultimately I need to Shake the Dust
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u--_-tyuejc
And I think it will be me going Carey Mulligan-ing my hair. That way swinging the kettle won't seem as mundane/routine/boring/labourous when I'm soon thinking about how to dress with my new hugely different hairstyle. ...Or crying about how unfeminine I feel. Either way. Gotta give yourself a curve ball. Otherwise its a gradual roll down a very not steep hill to the grave.
And on THAT positive note... night folks.
Friday, May 04, 2012
Look, Mom! I'm Emo!
Imagine a world where Emilee Nimetz was a jaded human being. That she listened to sappy music. That she stopped having faith in the world being amazing. That she used to think "What if!?" But now only thinks "But...what if not?" That she started to blog about this dark cloud? Tweet it? And then Instagram photos of her major side swept bangs and darkened eyeliner?
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to 2003-4. The dawn of the "Emo" Generation.
To quote the trusted source of Wikipedia:
"Emo broke into mainstream culture in the early 2000s with the platinum-selling success of Jimmy Eat World and Dashboard Confessional and the emergence of the subgenre "screamo". In recent years the term "emo" has been applied by critics and journalists to a variety of artists, including multiplatinum acts and groups with disparate styles and sounds.
I get unfocused in a way like... I can't see the big picture (and trust me, growing up not eating very healthy, that's a big deal. To earn something, independent of your upbringing, and then lose it... it's a lot more obvious... That makes no sense. Whatever, I'm 2 Red Wines Deep, okay? Text me if you're confused. This is a blog, not my diary.) But yeah! I start to lose sight! And normally, it spiraled a LOT from my diet.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to 2003-4. The dawn of the "Emo" Generation.
To quote the trusted source of Wikipedia:
"Emo broke into mainstream culture in the early 2000s with the platinum-selling success of Jimmy Eat World and Dashboard Confessional and the emergence of the subgenre "screamo". In recent years the term "emo" has been applied by critics and journalists to a variety of artists, including multiplatinum acts and groups with disparate styles and sounds.
In addition to music, "emo" is often used more generally to signify a particular relationship between fans and artists, and to describe related aspects of fashion, culture, and behavior."
... Just a background. For you young ones. Or, you old ones. (Please also note Dashboard Confessional. And then please note my 15 year old mind, full of memorized lyrics to such hits as "Hands Down" and "Screaming Infidelities". Oh boy.)
YES, Emo is part of my upbringing. ALRIGHT. Okay, I admit it. Also admitting it is my Emily Strange T-Shirt. Also admitting it are my parents. As does my rooftop bit outside my window that braved many nights with me while I journal-ed about how "life is hard." ... But then also journalling how... although life is hard... it's also not. And I think I'm gonna be just fine. Then I would sigh, and feign breaking my heart, put on my tights and work my ass off in ballet. Or dance around my living room like an idiot. Or Sing along with Sutton Foster.
... Just a background. For you young ones. Or, you old ones. (Please also note Dashboard Confessional. And then please note my 15 year old mind, full of memorized lyrics to such hits as "Hands Down" and "Screaming Infidelities". Oh boy.)
YES, Emo is part of my upbringing. ALRIGHT. Okay, I admit it. Also admitting it is my Emily Strange T-Shirt. Also admitting it are my parents. As does my rooftop bit outside my window that braved many nights with me while I journal-ed about how "life is hard." ... But then also journalling how... although life is hard... it's also not. And I think I'm gonna be just fine. Then I would sigh, and feign breaking my heart, put on my tights and work my ass off in ballet. Or dance around my living room like an idiot. Or Sing along with Sutton Foster.
Yeah. I was a bit of a wannabe. But I think I always understood, that, "Yeah, Life is hard! It definitely can be. And I know the potential for it. And I'm sort of scared.... But I don't think it will happen to me." AND I've always been overly empathetic. I think I can always relate to people's hardships. Perhaps my Tragic Flaw, if I were a hero in literature. I can always put myself in their shoes, and generally say, "Yeah, they're acting that way... but like, man, what a life they must have."
For instance: My 5 or so neighbour is crying about taking a bath. Girl! I hear ya! Sometimes you don't want to GROOM! Sometimes I "forget" to wash my make up off my face. It's ROUGH. It is. CRY ON, LITTLE GIRL, CRY ON!
So what the Eff does this have to do with my diet? Well... Good question. But, long-story-long: I talked to this lady once who was studying Chinese Medicine, and she told me that their philosophy is that "There is only one organ, and that is the body itself." Basically, everything effects everything. And, if you're like me (Crazy as F**k) Then you probably think that includes like... mind, body and soul... blah blah blah. So for instance, whenever one thing falters, others may start to slide. I think this is sort of like my own personal version of what Ayurveda means, as well. Basically, like, when I go off my diet, I also turn really... depressed, or unfocused. I've said it in the past; when I'm eating right, I'm thinking WAY more clearly. And when I had been in the routine for so long, it was like, Mental Strength, Physical Strength and Emotional Strength... They were all sort of interwoven. It's crazy, kids. Do some experimenting. My mind starts to BLUR as if sugar is a really, really, really mild drug, and I sometimes black out. ... Consciously. No, more like... grey out. Or...White-Bread-out. But if you eat only what you need, MAYBE you will also see a shift mentally, as well.
ANYWHO, so, when I would go off the diet, I would go a little crazy. In an...unfocused way... or whatever. Sugar is poison. A bad sentiment to have right before Cheat Day. But Alec Baldwin Tweeted that, and then I favourited it and re-tweeted... But still drink Colas on occasion. I'm no saint. (see last blog.)
I get unfocused in a way like... I can't see the big picture (and trust me, growing up not eating very healthy, that's a big deal. To earn something, independent of your upbringing, and then lose it... it's a lot more obvious... That makes no sense. Whatever, I'm 2 Red Wines Deep, okay? Text me if you're confused. This is a blog, not my diary.) But yeah! I start to lose sight! And normally, it spiraled a LOT from my diet.
See, this diet is not a "get skinny because I'm fat and hate myself and NEEEED to lose weight." No! Hell-o. I'm a size 6 (a pretty radical feat, I might add... lol... I'm a little proud.) I'm not a dummy though. And when people are ASTOUNDED that I'm on a diet...well, I kind of get mad. No, I realize that people weigh more than me. That people struggle with health issues I can't even imagine. That, I dance! And I'm "in shape." But, listen. TO EACH HIS OWN. I don't think that I'm in shape (I was winded walking with my fast-walker friend Aaron Wolfe just earlier today.) Yeah, I'm "fine." But... I have the potential to.. Be a LOT HEALTHIER. And I want to do that, because it makes me feel good. And when eating brownies for lunch feels as good as it used to, and better than how I feel being disciplined and restricting myself now... well, I'll do that again.
But anywho. Things are shifting. Stability is taking its form in my valleys and hills of this diet (scheduled, but also not scheduled.) But other things are taking the first fall. And that's HARD. Because I used to depend on my Mental Strength a LOT to get me through the Four HOUR PHENOMENON. And now... I'm noticing... that's what's starting the avalanche of failing myself. There are other things that are out of my control, causing me to react. And my diet: the thing that is now quite stable... but NOT EVEN STABLE AT ALL, is my foundation? Is my rock? HA! Earlier today I refused a gulp of Banana Cream Pie... but how many times will I do that? And sometimes it's like... My mental/emotional/"spiritual" strength is pushing hard so often, that this teeny-tiny little platform of "my DIIIEEETT" (imagine me saying that all....nasal-y) is not going to be able to bear the weight.
But anywho. Things are shifting. Stability is taking its form in my valleys and hills of this diet (scheduled, but also not scheduled.) But other things are taking the first fall. And that's HARD. Because I used to depend on my Mental Strength a LOT to get me through the Four HOUR PHENOMENON. And now... I'm noticing... that's what's starting the avalanche of failing myself. There are other things that are out of my control, causing me to react. And my diet: the thing that is now quite stable... but NOT EVEN STABLE AT ALL, is my foundation? Is my rock? HA! Earlier today I refused a gulp of Banana Cream Pie... but how many times will I do that? And sometimes it's like... My mental/emotional/"spiritual" strength is pushing hard so often, that this teeny-tiny little platform of "my DIIIEEETT" (imagine me saying that all....nasal-y) is not going to be able to bear the weight.
This is my journey on weight-loss. I feel like I must be close to the end. But I had to play Round 8 of Mario SOOOO MANY times before me and my Bro beat it.
... And by "end" I mean.. "goal". Let's not even GET INTO what happens after. That's where the REAL diary entries begin.
If I could explain to you, in detail, about what's plaguing me, I would. But I neglected to record the (amazing) phone conversation about life that I just experienced with my Best friend, Cameron Carver (Seriously... he is an AMAZING person.) And I'm bored of it. HA! SO I shall, yet again, spare you them deets.
But yeah! The diet is basically holding me down! Which... 2-years-ago-Emilee would have been like... I'm sad? I'M GETTING BURGER KIIINNNNGGG!! (Also, Burger King was very convenient to me at the time... Otherwise It'd probs be Tim Hortons or McDonalds...) And then I'd mow down on this nasty food... and for a moment.. feel good. Then? Immediately feel like shit because of what I ate and thinking... I'm never going to look how I want to....BUT YOU GET IT. Right?
(2-Wine-Deep)
So, I guess what I need is a little less stress and a little more love. A little more faith that I'm doing what's right... physically, yes, but also... not?
Is this turning into a non-food blog? WARNING: I think I have emotions.
Hence the intro. HELL-OOOO!!! I'm EMMMOOO!!!
Anywho, thanks for being my therapists. Even if you just read. You know how sometimes Therapists just listen? Ya. That's nice
And, without further adieu: Cheat Day Commences after I rest. So, off to bed I am.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
Banner: WELCOME BACK EMILEE!!
Oh, WOW! Thanks for the big celebration you guys! Oh confetti? My gosh! This welcome back party sure is a hit. Oh, THANK you, I will enjoy this Shrimp Skewer! Oh, no, I won't have the Brie, but maybe Saturday. Yes! I am still doing the diet! Oh, you want to know whats happened? Well, here, let me catch you up:
(That last bit was a scene. If the internet and blogging were actual people, they would be throwing me the biggest party on account of it being almost a year since I last wrote. I bet like other internet moguls like... The Google Toolbar, The Instagram icon, and Mark Zuckerberg are there. The party is probably really fancy. ...Man, I wish I was invited...)
So, as they always say at the beginning of a new episode of some Primetime Drama, HERE's What you missed in Emilee's life; POINT FORM! Not that my life is really like a PrimeTime Drama... well, some days...and I would sincerely LOVE it if Don Draper would show up. But anyways:
PS it's been a year. nearly an entire year since my last blogging.
- Since I last wrote, (Summer 2011) I had lost a bunch of weight, had followed the diet strictly, and basically was on Cloud 9 with everything in my life la la la. Why would I dare keep blogging? I didn't need it.
- The Bagel Breakdown. If this was History Class, this would be one of the events to remember. Like, The Protestant Reformation... or the French Revolution... or Canada becoming a country. Basically: a) I started working too much at a...in short... SKETCHY RESTAURANT, owned basically by an illegal immigrant who was embezzling money, and... ya. Cheques were bouncing. It was the biggest stress of my life, and it has repelled me from the waitressing profession... never will I ever again! At least at Breakfast. Then my phone was stolen, and that was a situation. And then I had to MOOOVE. Man, oh MAN! Anywho, this stress + my huge commute to work + being a robot basically = me caving and eating 35 cent bagels at least 3 times a day. I started to...soften, lets say. Progress was drastically lost.
- I discovered Poetry.
- I read some of it at open mics
- I went on a couple dates. Ya know. Gettin' out there again. The ol' field...
- I discovered Spoken Word Slam Poetry Competitions.
- I saw AMAZING LIFE CHANGING Art in the form of spoken word at CFSW (Canadian Festival of Spoken Word) Conveniently held in Toronto.
- I competed in Poetry Slams
- I WON a poetry Slam!!!
- I met amazing people in said Slams
- I am dating a poet
- Oh wait, this is a food/diet blog...
Sometimes point form doesn't have to be succinct...
- MOVED! Now we're back in Sept. Mid- Poetry discovery, etc. Ya! I moved out, then basically fluctuated in the diet, not being really hard core at it for until November??? And then that went away. Fluctuated AGAIN until around Feb, then I was strict. And then I looked HOT.
- We had mice. It was gross.
I'm talkin' HOT. Like, People who I had worked with for a while were noticing. People who I had even just met were noticing that I'd lost weight. THEN, I tried on (get this) a SIZE FOUR! And...........................They fit!!
THEN, Ignoring much of what I had sort of written in the past posts of this very blog, I decided to reward myself for this. And until recently, I sort of ate disgustingly. AND I MOVED AGAIN! And I'm subletting. So much of my cooking devices... like...microwaves and pans.... well, they were goners like a week before I moved. So, I ate cheaply, also known as, very poorly for my health.
BUT NOW I'M IN DREAMLAND! And I'm back on the diet. And I'm wondering why I ever was off it in the first place.
But then I'm wondering how I will make it one more day to Saturday. And then I'm wondering about consistency; why would I want to restrict myself from things that I want? But then, why would I want to restrict myself from feeling so great all the time, which I attribute largely to how I eat? But why do I need to eat vegetables? But I'm not a 5 year old, and need to just shut up and eat my vegetables. I don't want Diabetes or Heart Disease, and I know these are drastic ends to what might be a simple slip of the doughnut so-to-speak, but trust. Like, bread has never seemed more evil AND more tempting to me. Whooaaa, Garden. Whoa. I guess I can totally relate to Eve. Because I could totally go for a f**king Pomegranate right now, but instead I'll have this...glass of water and teaspoon of almond butter. One more day. One more day.
Wow. That's my year. There's more things. Little details. The small ups and downs. But I shall spare you all of THAT.
NOW... now, now now... hmmm. *She sticks a pencil behind her ear and scratches her melon... if she was writing with a pencil*
Well, now I'm back and driven as ever to stay on the diet. I feel like I've been saying that every other day. And even reflecting on my past entries, its been like every other blog. But such is the ebb and flow of it all. At least I'm starting to learn that. There's no permanent state; terrifying, yes. Satisfying, yes. So, sometimes I just think I need to accept that it won't be perfect all the time. But to get all 4-agreements up in here (- I read The Four Agreements) I just need to do my best. And re-reading the blog, I know that my best is actually an amazing feat that like...2 years ago I would never expect being so disciplined to a diet, or be...SWINGING a KETTLEBELL, aka Enjoying working out. But I do. (I mean, being back at square 1, its REALLY HARD.) But sometimes things are hard. That's all I've got right now. And trust me. The word "hard" doesn't even begin to describe it. Begin to describe how GOOD that Macaroon with Chocolate looks. How
BADLY I want to avoid the Kettle at ANY costs. How MUCH I'd rather just get a Beer and Nachos than specifically plan how I will ask the waitress to make exceptions and grant me "Can I just get a side of steamed vegetables?" Its rough. Its dirty. Its against all you think that you want... but then you do it. And you feel amazing.
Next (and I promise Final thing)
Saturday is Cheat Day.
Something I've been really missing from Cheat Days is organization. I used to have it so planned, and God knows this Virgo- Pitta loves checklists (Shout out to my amazing new roommate Tess Benger...) And I think that's what I've been missing; Having it be so arbitrary makes me not able to reach anything, so I don't feel completed at the end of Cheat day. SO HERES WHAT I GOT SO FAR:
-Cinnabon. I found a $5 Gift Card.
-Corn Bread from Fresh. With the Butter Stuff.
-Desserts from this little dessert shop by Ossington. I saw it today and was like... "What time are you open until on Saturday? K. See you then"
-Grapefruit.
- Yogurt and Berries
- Minieggs (I think a Bulk Barn trip...)
- What do I want for dinner??? SUGGESTIONS? I'm over Fried Foods, but not AGAINST it.
- Insomnia Brunch???
THANKS FOR READING! And being so supportive. And welcoming me back with open arms. Please post, post, post! I feel like I've lost my blog-swag. My blag. My Swog.... You get it.
Until next time...
(That last bit was a scene. If the internet and blogging were actual people, they would be throwing me the biggest party on account of it being almost a year since I last wrote. I bet like other internet moguls like... The Google Toolbar, The Instagram icon, and Mark Zuckerberg are there. The party is probably really fancy. ...Man, I wish I was invited...)
So, as they always say at the beginning of a new episode of some Primetime Drama, HERE's What you missed in Emilee's life; POINT FORM! Not that my life is really like a PrimeTime Drama... well, some days...and I would sincerely LOVE it if Don Draper would show up. But anyways:
PS it's been a year. nearly an entire year since my last blogging.
- Since I last wrote, (Summer 2011) I had lost a bunch of weight, had followed the diet strictly, and basically was on Cloud 9 with everything in my life la la la. Why would I dare keep blogging? I didn't need it.
- The Bagel Breakdown. If this was History Class, this would be one of the events to remember. Like, The Protestant Reformation... or the French Revolution... or Canada becoming a country. Basically: a) I started working too much at a...in short... SKETCHY RESTAURANT, owned basically by an illegal immigrant who was embezzling money, and... ya. Cheques were bouncing. It was the biggest stress of my life, and it has repelled me from the waitressing profession... never will I ever again! At least at Breakfast. Then my phone was stolen, and that was a situation. And then I had to MOOOVE. Man, oh MAN! Anywho, this stress + my huge commute to work + being a robot basically = me caving and eating 35 cent bagels at least 3 times a day. I started to...soften, lets say. Progress was drastically lost.
- I discovered Poetry.
- I read some of it at open mics
- I went on a couple dates. Ya know. Gettin' out there again. The ol' field...
- I discovered Spoken Word Slam Poetry Competitions.
- I saw AMAZING LIFE CHANGING Art in the form of spoken word at CFSW (Canadian Festival of Spoken Word) Conveniently held in Toronto.
- I competed in Poetry Slams
- I WON a poetry Slam!!!
- I met amazing people in said Slams
- I am dating a poet
- Oh wait, this is a food/diet blog...
Sometimes point form doesn't have to be succinct...
- MOVED! Now we're back in Sept. Mid- Poetry discovery, etc. Ya! I moved out, then basically fluctuated in the diet, not being really hard core at it for until November??? And then that went away. Fluctuated AGAIN until around Feb, then I was strict. And then I looked HOT.
- We had mice. It was gross.
I'm talkin' HOT. Like, People who I had worked with for a while were noticing. People who I had even just met were noticing that I'd lost weight. THEN, I tried on (get this) a SIZE FOUR! And...........................They fit!!
THEN, Ignoring much of what I had sort of written in the past posts of this very blog, I decided to reward myself for this. And until recently, I sort of ate disgustingly. AND I MOVED AGAIN! And I'm subletting. So much of my cooking devices... like...microwaves and pans.... well, they were goners like a week before I moved. So, I ate cheaply, also known as, very poorly for my health.
BUT NOW I'M IN DREAMLAND! And I'm back on the diet. And I'm wondering why I ever was off it in the first place.
But then I'm wondering how I will make it one more day to Saturday. And then I'm wondering about consistency; why would I want to restrict myself from things that I want? But then, why would I want to restrict myself from feeling so great all the time, which I attribute largely to how I eat? But why do I need to eat vegetables? But I'm not a 5 year old, and need to just shut up and eat my vegetables. I don't want Diabetes or Heart Disease, and I know these are drastic ends to what might be a simple slip of the doughnut so-to-speak, but trust. Like, bread has never seemed more evil AND more tempting to me. Whooaaa, Garden. Whoa. I guess I can totally relate to Eve. Because I could totally go for a f**king Pomegranate right now, but instead I'll have this...glass of water and teaspoon of almond butter. One more day. One more day.
Wow. That's my year. There's more things. Little details. The small ups and downs. But I shall spare you all of THAT.
NOW... now, now now... hmmm. *She sticks a pencil behind her ear and scratches her melon... if she was writing with a pencil*
Well, now I'm back and driven as ever to stay on the diet. I feel like I've been saying that every other day. And even reflecting on my past entries, its been like every other blog. But such is the ebb and flow of it all. At least I'm starting to learn that. There's no permanent state; terrifying, yes. Satisfying, yes. So, sometimes I just think I need to accept that it won't be perfect all the time. But to get all 4-agreements up in here (- I read The Four Agreements) I just need to do my best. And re-reading the blog, I know that my best is actually an amazing feat that like...2 years ago I would never expect being so disciplined to a diet, or be...SWINGING a KETTLEBELL, aka Enjoying working out. But I do. (I mean, being back at square 1, its REALLY HARD.) But sometimes things are hard. That's all I've got right now. And trust me. The word "hard" doesn't even begin to describe it. Begin to describe how GOOD that Macaroon with Chocolate looks. How
BADLY I want to avoid the Kettle at ANY costs. How MUCH I'd rather just get a Beer and Nachos than specifically plan how I will ask the waitress to make exceptions and grant me "Can I just get a side of steamed vegetables?" Its rough. Its dirty. Its against all you think that you want... but then you do it. And you feel amazing.
Next (and I promise Final thing)
Saturday is Cheat Day.
Something I've been really missing from Cheat Days is organization. I used to have it so planned, and God knows this Virgo- Pitta loves checklists (Shout out to my amazing new roommate Tess Benger...) And I think that's what I've been missing; Having it be so arbitrary makes me not able to reach anything, so I don't feel completed at the end of Cheat day. SO HERES WHAT I GOT SO FAR:
-Cinnabon. I found a $5 Gift Card.
-Corn Bread from Fresh. With the Butter Stuff.
-Desserts from this little dessert shop by Ossington. I saw it today and was like... "What time are you open until on Saturday? K. See you then"
-Grapefruit.
- Yogurt and Berries
- Minieggs (I think a Bulk Barn trip...)
- What do I want for dinner??? SUGGESTIONS? I'm over Fried Foods, but not AGAINST it.
- Insomnia Brunch???
THANKS FOR READING! And being so supportive. And welcoming me back with open arms. Please post, post, post! I feel like I've lost my blog-swag. My blag. My Swog.... You get it.
Until next time...
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Milk and Cereal.
Today's blog is brought to you by CEREAL.
Cereal is what I want. Okay? It just is. I have actually been dreaming of it. I can no longer hide it. I must sing it too the rafters. I want every different kind.
To start today's blog, I will list all of the cereals I have been dreaming of:
Lucky Charms
FRENCH TOAST CRUNCH
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Froot Loops (Forgetting Sarah Marshall Styles)
Honey Nut Cheerios
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
Chocolate Cheerios
Regular Cheerios with cinnamon and honey and Banana Pieces
Oatmeal Crisp (the one with like dates and fruits and nuts)
Honey Combs
AlphaBits
Cap'n Crunch. Continual refilling of this until both the box and the milk are gone.
SUGAR CRISP (hello!)
Corn Pops
Corn Flakes with Sugar and Banana pieces
Vector
Reese's
Nesquick
Pebbles! (remember?! the Flintstones Cereal, it was kind of like Pebble versions of Froot Loops. I don't know if I could find these still...)
Shreddies
Chex
Special K Vanilla Almond
Count Chocula
Yeah.... So that's done.
I think its time for an INTERACTIVE READER MOMENT.
So since I want cereal SO BAD, I'm obvs going to have it on my next cheat day.
How about this:
YOU leave a COMMENT! (eh? You can do them anonymously now ;)) And VOTE on which cereal of the above listed (or a better one, if it exists) I should eat. The one with THE MOST VOTES I will get and eat.
I'm going to say, I'm leaning towards French Toast Crunch, or Froot Loops. Like, you can't go wrong. Oh...but Lucky Charms...
And here's where I start listing them again in paragraph form.
Just kidding.
So yeah! Cereal is on my mind.
Help me choose! The prize? My smiling face, and probably really angry belly.
I also might do the cereal with vanilla almond milk. But hey, let's not get too crazy.
Today's blog is also brought to you by my body.
Wait, isn't it always?
Yes. Yes it is. And today is no exception.
Well, see, I have discovered a new mantra. And it goes a little something like this:
"I am doing this for my body."
I don't know why it works, or what it is helping with, but anytime I feel weak, I say this mantra and I can miraculously keep going. It's a serious miracle.
Some examples:
Any time I walk by a Tim Horton's.
The moment in the shower when I have to turn the handle from hot to freezing cold (WHICH, by the way, makes you feel like a MILLION bucks afterwards).
Forcing myself to down these boring and gross Hard Boiled Eggs
Swinging that Kettlebell, getting to 80, and wanting to stop, and then pushing myself to 100.
It's like this constant mental reminder. I think it's working better than the picture of me in my underwear.
Which I am now sort of impressed by,since I look so different... so I think it has the opposite effect that its supposed to. LOL.
Because, the thing is, every time I get to these blocks, its just me rationalizing why I "deserve a break." Just one Timbit. Just one less swing. No cold shower, JUST for today. Just one cracker...pair of crackers...box of crackers.
OF COURSE I deserve it. Of course anybody does. If you're on ANY sort of diet, it's hard, and you TOTALLY deserve that chocolate bar for all of the work you have done. I've worked hard. It's not the simplicity of the diet, it's just the mental struggle. It's taken a lot of discipline. BUT the thing is, it's not about that. And I'm not a Saint or anything- I'm no Mother Theresa. It's about pushing forward and reaching your goal. Which you can do taking stops along the way. But if you want to lose weight, if you want a bodyfat percentage around 15%, and you want to do it fast, well then you just should ignore that friendly little voice telling you that you have earned a timbit. Because one timbit, let's just call it like it is, IS NOT ENOUGH. I need a doughnut. Or a box of 10 timbits for 1.99. So, the mantra gets me through that.
PS, The universe aligns when cheat days coincide with access to Tim Horton's and $2.50 in my pocket.
but that's neither here nor there.
But you know, it's actually a crazy thing. It's almost metaphysical. It's as though for the past few years me and my body have been two separate things. They were never enemies... but they certainly weren't besties. Let's just say that they were... frenemies. Neither one liked the other, but we all sort of ignored it to get along and enjoy a weekly McDonalds visit. . (this is my body and my mind we are talking about, by the way). So sure, the McDonalds was delicious- a temporary satisfaction, and after that, the frenemies just went on their way.
I think what I am doing now is sort of joining the two. They can be friends (my body and mind) and by doing so they help each other out. So when my body sees doughnuts (I don't know why I'm all about doughnuts these days), my mind gives her a gentle reminder that we don't need them. And when my hormones are out of whack and my mind is needing cheesecake, I glance at my body, or think of my progress, and my body helps out my mind. It's all about the mantra.
Also, yeah, COLD SHOWER THERAPY. This is my greatest discovery from the 4HB. I read it in the book and was like...yeah, I'll do it. Tried it once. HATED my life. It sounds easier than it is. And then, post mantra discov, I started it. OMG. I am really only able to last 5 or 6 minutes in there, but the second you step out of the shower it is like a gold light reigns over you and angels sing, and 2 doves land on your sink and somehow smile at you, as your dry off your very shivery bod. You feel like one million dollars. I can't fully describe it. But yeah. it's amazing.
Also, as for other updates, I am ashamed but forced to admit, I kind of slipped through the cracks on Pride Weekend. I drank, I had a doughnut... a burger... it was all very intense. I have spent like ten minutes looking at this sentence feeling like such a fool for doing so and wanting to delete it. BUT then I'd probably get away with it again. Also, a special thanks to my amazing friend Cam. He never lets me cheat and coaches me out of doing so. He's been a huge supporter/ greatest amigo alive, and there have been times when I couldn't do this without him. Cameo Carvey, you rock my world, bro. Especially when all I want is a Jack Astor's Pita chip dipped in the Lobster and Crab dip, and you look me straight in the eyes and say "Emm? No. You don't even want it."
Sigh. What a man.
Anywho, now I'm off to make some Burgers. I'm not really sure how, but I think I can figure out how to do it without breadcrumbs. Otherwise it will be like Hamburger Helper without the cheese and pasta, mixed with Broccoli and Brussel Sprouts. WOO. CAN'T WAIT! ...
...
(I am doing this for my body.)
Cereal is what I want. Okay? It just is. I have actually been dreaming of it. I can no longer hide it. I must sing it too the rafters. I want every different kind.
To start today's blog, I will list all of the cereals I have been dreaming of:
Lucky Charms
FRENCH TOAST CRUNCH
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Froot Loops (Forgetting Sarah Marshall Styles)
Honey Nut Cheerios
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
Chocolate Cheerios
Regular Cheerios with cinnamon and honey and Banana Pieces
Oatmeal Crisp (the one with like dates and fruits and nuts)
Honey Combs
AlphaBits
Cap'n Crunch. Continual refilling of this until both the box and the milk are gone.
SUGAR CRISP (hello!)
Corn Pops
Corn Flakes with Sugar and Banana pieces
Vector
Reese's
Nesquick
Pebbles! (remember?! the Flintstones Cereal, it was kind of like Pebble versions of Froot Loops. I don't know if I could find these still...)
Shreddies
Chex
Special K Vanilla Almond
Count Chocula
Yeah.... So that's done.
I think its time for an INTERACTIVE READER MOMENT.
So since I want cereal SO BAD, I'm obvs going to have it on my next cheat day.
How about this:
YOU leave a COMMENT! (eh? You can do them anonymously now ;)) And VOTE on which cereal of the above listed (or a better one, if it exists) I should eat. The one with THE MOST VOTES I will get and eat.
I'm going to say, I'm leaning towards French Toast Crunch, or Froot Loops. Like, you can't go wrong. Oh...but Lucky Charms...
And here's where I start listing them again in paragraph form.
Just kidding.
So yeah! Cereal is on my mind.
Help me choose! The prize? My smiling face, and probably really angry belly.
I also might do the cereal with vanilla almond milk. But hey, let's not get too crazy.
Today's blog is also brought to you by my body.
Wait, isn't it always?
Yes. Yes it is. And today is no exception.
Well, see, I have discovered a new mantra. And it goes a little something like this:
"I am doing this for my body."
I don't know why it works, or what it is helping with, but anytime I feel weak, I say this mantra and I can miraculously keep going. It's a serious miracle.
Some examples:
Any time I walk by a Tim Horton's.
The moment in the shower when I have to turn the handle from hot to freezing cold (WHICH, by the way, makes you feel like a MILLION bucks afterwards).
Forcing myself to down these boring and gross Hard Boiled Eggs
Swinging that Kettlebell, getting to 80, and wanting to stop, and then pushing myself to 100.
It's like this constant mental reminder. I think it's working better than the picture of me in my underwear.
Which I am now sort of impressed by,since I look so different... so I think it has the opposite effect that its supposed to. LOL.
Because, the thing is, every time I get to these blocks, its just me rationalizing why I "deserve a break." Just one Timbit. Just one less swing. No cold shower, JUST for today. Just one cracker...pair of crackers...box of crackers.
OF COURSE I deserve it. Of course anybody does. If you're on ANY sort of diet, it's hard, and you TOTALLY deserve that chocolate bar for all of the work you have done. I've worked hard. It's not the simplicity of the diet, it's just the mental struggle. It's taken a lot of discipline. BUT the thing is, it's not about that. And I'm not a Saint or anything- I'm no Mother Theresa. It's about pushing forward and reaching your goal. Which you can do taking stops along the way. But if you want to lose weight, if you want a bodyfat percentage around 15%, and you want to do it fast, well then you just should ignore that friendly little voice telling you that you have earned a timbit. Because one timbit, let's just call it like it is, IS NOT ENOUGH. I need a doughnut. Or a box of 10 timbits for 1.99. So, the mantra gets me through that.
PS, The universe aligns when cheat days coincide with access to Tim Horton's and $2.50 in my pocket.
but that's neither here nor there.
But you know, it's actually a crazy thing. It's almost metaphysical. It's as though for the past few years me and my body have been two separate things. They were never enemies... but they certainly weren't besties. Let's just say that they were... frenemies. Neither one liked the other, but we all sort of ignored it to get along and enjoy a weekly McDonalds visit. . (this is my body and my mind we are talking about, by the way). So sure, the McDonalds was delicious- a temporary satisfaction, and after that, the frenemies just went on their way.
I think what I am doing now is sort of joining the two. They can be friends (my body and mind) and by doing so they help each other out. So when my body sees doughnuts (I don't know why I'm all about doughnuts these days), my mind gives her a gentle reminder that we don't need them. And when my hormones are out of whack and my mind is needing cheesecake, I glance at my body, or think of my progress, and my body helps out my mind. It's all about the mantra.
Also, yeah, COLD SHOWER THERAPY. This is my greatest discovery from the 4HB. I read it in the book and was like...yeah, I'll do it. Tried it once. HATED my life. It sounds easier than it is. And then, post mantra discov, I started it. OMG. I am really only able to last 5 or 6 minutes in there, but the second you step out of the shower it is like a gold light reigns over you and angels sing, and 2 doves land on your sink and somehow smile at you, as your dry off your very shivery bod. You feel like one million dollars. I can't fully describe it. But yeah. it's amazing.
Also, as for other updates, I am ashamed but forced to admit, I kind of slipped through the cracks on Pride Weekend. I drank, I had a doughnut... a burger... it was all very intense. I have spent like ten minutes looking at this sentence feeling like such a fool for doing so and wanting to delete it. BUT then I'd probably get away with it again. Also, a special thanks to my amazing friend Cam. He never lets me cheat and coaches me out of doing so. He's been a huge supporter/ greatest amigo alive, and there have been times when I couldn't do this without him. Cameo Carvey, you rock my world, bro. Especially when all I want is a Jack Astor's Pita chip dipped in the Lobster and Crab dip, and you look me straight in the eyes and say "Emm? No. You don't even want it."
Sigh. What a man.
Anywho, now I'm off to make some Burgers. I'm not really sure how, but I think I can figure out how to do it without breadcrumbs. Otherwise it will be like Hamburger Helper without the cheese and pasta, mixed with Broccoli and Brussel Sprouts. WOO. CAN'T WAIT! ...
...
(I am doing this for my body.)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Hey, Body Fat... SEE YOU IN HELL
Okay, let me set the slightly romanticized scene of the past couple of weeks in my life...
Calm. Confident. Unknowing. I was feeling good, and ready to be on track. Out of the haze of Tweed/Beer, and on track with eggs, spinach, beans, my loyal friends, and even a new friend: Cold showers. Life was great. No, even better, it WAS back on track. Then, out of the corner of my nostril.... is that the intoxicating aroma of freshly baked cookies?
"Oh hey there, body fat," I said, on my train, or bus, or car ride....or private jet, back to London. "Is this seat taken?" He asked. I toss my head back and laugh. "Of course not! When on earth did you think I would take you back?" Me and Body fat, though briefly acquainted in the small town of Tweed, ON... usually in the form of a late night hook-up involving many MarTEAnis, Pancake Crisps or...beer, have not been all too familiar lately. We did have a pretty intense fling for about 21+ years. But I cut him off. Fast. Abrupt. Of course he's always in the back of my mind...but anyway...
He smiles his malicious smile. From a distance, he looks disgusting: enormous, greasy, mean, not compassionate to others, hates animals, no sense of humour...the worst. But then he gets up close...
His long hair, tied back in a pony tail, smells of licorice candies. His smile, big, beautiful., It used to look like it was filled with cavities, but now has an aroma of Cookies and Cream. And his teeth look like white chocolate chips, and his lips like...hot lips...the cinnamon flavoured candy. DAMNIT BODY FAT, YOU KNOW ME ALL TOO WELL.
I am weak. I panic. I look out the window for some guidance and say a silent prayer to the Hardboiled God. MUST RESIST. THIS MAN, MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHERS, HAS RUINED MY LIFE! But oh, ice cream sure sounds good right about now...
Cut to: I cave. Body Fat follows me around ALL WEEK. (Talk about a creeper). And, admittedly, I welcome him. I welcome him in the form of vodka sodas, every night, until 4am. I welcome him in the form of McDonalds in between shows, a FREE cupcake from Sweet Cakes, (http://www.facebook.com/SweetCakesLondon?sk=wall&closeTheater=1 Like them on facebook and get a free cupcake! Check back on this page and see a picture of me with my freebie Classic Vanilla delight...)
and a Pizza Party celebration. He is welcomed in the form of Chocolate Almond Milk, Caramel Biscotti Coffee, Montreal Style Bagels, and Kaluha. He basically doesn't leave my side. In fact, he attaches to it. And makes me look like shit.
Listen, I am not one to make excuses, but I really needed that. I needed a guilt free week of cheaply eating whatever I wanted, whenever, however, in the form of many treats. It was London Fringe, after all.
Let me also say that the Harboiled God...and the God of the untouchable Lactose, decided to give me some major karma, in the form of feeling sick and becoming slightly anaphylactic after I enjoyed a real cream ice cream cone with chocolate chips. This was not a pleasant experience. We'll leave it at that.
Now, cut to my last night. I am enjoying my Ceasar after having enjoyed some hot wings from Moxies, and was enjoying some amazing friends company
(Shameless Plug.)
One of those friends who had 2 shows in the London Fringe, and one of those shows in the upcoming Toronto Fringe. Come see Martin Dockery's Bursting into Flames!
The divine comedy of a soul lost in paradise. High-energy & hilarious. Creator of 2009 hit WANDERLUST:“*****[5 stars]
"A serious Masterpiece"- Emilee
Director: Martin Dockery
Cast: Martin Dockery
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Venue 9 Robert Gill Theatre
60 min.
Thu, July 7 6:30 PM 904
Sat, July 9 2:15 PM 914
Sun, July 10 7:30 PM 924
Mon, July 11 5:15 PM 929
Wed, July 13 9:30 PM 944
Thu, July 14 Noon 946
Fri, July 15 11:30 PM 959
Director: Marc Richard
Genre: Comedy, Drama
60 min.
Wed, July 6 8:15 PM 502
Sat, July 9 8:30 PM 514
Mon, July 11 7:30 PM 522
Tue, July 12 6:45 PM 525
Thu, July 14 9:45 PM 535
Fri, July 15 5:15 PM 536
Sun, July 17 5:45 PM 547
Calm. Confident. Unknowing. I was feeling good, and ready to be on track. Out of the haze of Tweed/Beer, and on track with eggs, spinach, beans, my loyal friends, and even a new friend: Cold showers. Life was great. No, even better, it WAS back on track. Then, out of the corner of my nostril.... is that the intoxicating aroma of freshly baked cookies?
"Oh hey there, body fat," I said, on my train, or bus, or car ride....or private jet, back to London. "Is this seat taken?" He asked. I toss my head back and laugh. "Of course not! When on earth did you think I would take you back?" Me and Body fat, though briefly acquainted in the small town of Tweed, ON... usually in the form of a late night hook-up involving many MarTEAnis, Pancake Crisps or...beer, have not been all too familiar lately. We did have a pretty intense fling for about 21+ years. But I cut him off. Fast. Abrupt. Of course he's always in the back of my mind...but anyway...
He smiles his malicious smile. From a distance, he looks disgusting: enormous, greasy, mean, not compassionate to others, hates animals, no sense of humour...the worst. But then he gets up close...
His long hair, tied back in a pony tail, smells of licorice candies. His smile, big, beautiful., It used to look like it was filled with cavities, but now has an aroma of Cookies and Cream. And his teeth look like white chocolate chips, and his lips like...hot lips...the cinnamon flavoured candy. DAMNIT BODY FAT, YOU KNOW ME ALL TOO WELL.
I am weak. I panic. I look out the window for some guidance and say a silent prayer to the Hardboiled God. MUST RESIST. THIS MAN, MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHERS, HAS RUINED MY LIFE! But oh, ice cream sure sounds good right about now...
Cut to: I cave. Body Fat follows me around ALL WEEK. (Talk about a creeper). And, admittedly, I welcome him. I welcome him in the form of vodka sodas, every night, until 4am. I welcome him in the form of McDonalds in between shows, a FREE cupcake from Sweet Cakes, (http://www.facebook.com/SweetCakesLondon?sk=wall&closeTheater=1 Like them on facebook and get a free cupcake! Check back on this page and see a picture of me with my freebie Classic Vanilla delight...)
and a Pizza Party celebration. He is welcomed in the form of Chocolate Almond Milk, Caramel Biscotti Coffee, Montreal Style Bagels, and Kaluha. He basically doesn't leave my side. In fact, he attaches to it. And makes me look like shit.
Listen, I am not one to make excuses, but I really needed that. I needed a guilt free week of cheaply eating whatever I wanted, whenever, however, in the form of many treats. It was London Fringe, after all.
Let me also say that the Harboiled God...and the God of the untouchable Lactose, decided to give me some major karma, in the form of feeling sick and becoming slightly anaphylactic after I enjoyed a real cream ice cream cone with chocolate chips. This was not a pleasant experience. We'll leave it at that.
Now, cut to my last night. I am enjoying my Ceasar after having enjoyed some hot wings from Moxies, and was enjoying some amazing friends company
(Shameless Plug.)
One of those friends who had 2 shows in the London Fringe, and one of those shows in the upcoming Toronto Fringe. Come see Martin Dockery's Bursting into Flames!
Bursting Into Flames
by Martin Dockery
(www.martindockery.com)
presented by Martin Dockery from Brooklyn, NY, USA
by Martin Dockery
(www.martindockery.com)
presented by Martin Dockery from Brooklyn, NY, USA
The divine comedy of a soul lost in paradise. High-energy & hilarious. Creator of 2009 hit WANDERLUST:“*****[5 stars]
"Astounding feat of storytelling. Blisteringly funny.”—Eye Weekly.
Edmonton Hold-Over, Winnipeg Best-of-Fest, Vancouver Pick of the Fringe, Adelaide Critics Circle2011
Edmonton Hold-Over, Winnipeg Best-of-Fest, Vancouver Pick of the Fringe, Adelaide Critics Circle2011
“You’re not likely to find many storytellers better than Martin Dockery.”—CBC
Director: Martin Dockery
Cast: Martin Dockery
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Venue 9 Robert Gill Theatre
60 min.
Thu, July 7 6:30 PM 904
Sat, July 9 2:15 PM 914
Sun, July 10 7:30 PM 924
Mon, July 11 5:15 PM 929
Wed, July 13 9:30 PM 944
Thu, July 14 Noon 946
Fri, July 15 11:30 PM 959
Yeah. See. It.
Also see Wesley Colford's Show,
Excuse Me, Would You Like to Buy a Bar?
by Wesley J. Colford
(search our title on Facebook)
presented by Don’t Panic Productions from Toronto, ON
by Wesley J. Colford
(search our title on Facebook)
presented by Don’t Panic Productions from Toronto, ON
Outside of time, six people are trapped in an absurd cycle of broken dreams and regret. Their only hope: one boy on a mission to sell the most chocolate bars and be the best. A play that challenges the intentions and methods of teachers and parents, students and children, lovers of all creeds, and above all, the human artist. It’s better than Llama Cats.
*Winner of the Tarragon Theatre 2010 Under 20 Playwriting Competition.
*Presented in partnership with the Paprika Festival.
*Winner of the Tarragon Theatre 2010 Under 20 Playwriting Competition.
*Presented in partnership with the Paprika Festival.
Director: Marc Richard
Genre: Comedy, Drama
60 min.
Wed, July 6 8:15 PM 502
Sat, July 9 8:30 PM 514
Mon, July 11 7:30 PM 522
Tue, July 12 6:45 PM 525
Thu, July 14 9:45 PM 535
Fri, July 15 5:15 PM 536
Sun, July 17 5:45 PM 547
I haven't seen it, but it looks amazing.
Yeah. so anywho, back to what I was saying.
Yeah, so I'm enjoying my Ceasars, and I'm thinking about how hard it is going to be to leave. London, I give you a bad rap some of the time. But deep down, you're my home. Not to mention some amazing hospitality from my dear, dear, amazing, and talented friends, Ashley Morrow and Justin Quesnelle. It's hard. It just is. I had an absolute amazing time in London, where I am so comfortable and so loved, and it's really hard to say goodbye to it for now.
But what is great is the inspiration it left me with. I saw some AMAZING theatre, so original and unique. My show, Love Is... got rave reviews, and they looked beautiful and amazing...so proud. I met some amazing people and had some amazing conversations. Life is beautiful. I had THE best time.
And what I'm learning, every day, is that its always changing and moving forward. Whether you are ready or whether you aren't. So, I'm sad to say goodbye to you, London Fringe, Ash, Love Is..., and everyone back there who are amazing.
But I'm also, in this process, saying goodbye to Bodyfat. He's a bastard. Also though, I am so exhausted from my week of partying in London that I am not even really hungry or craving anything. Right now I'm watching Diners Drive ins and Dives and not even really tempted. Even recounting the delicious treats from the past week, I could care less. I'm BACk on the 4HB SCD. More importantly, I'm on the Last Mile.
Aka, eat protein and greens and sometimes nuts every 3 hours. No tomatoes. No carrots. No avo. Basically my besties right now are broc, aspar, and spin. I hardboiled a whole carton of eggs, (as a sacrifice to the HBGod, duh. In order for him to give me good fortune in the form of skinny.) cooked chicken and beef, and have it all reads to go. I was VERY inspired by my friend Cullen. Cullen was playing Rocky in Rocky Horror (Winner: Best Show, London Fringe) and though he was already pretty ripped, decided to go, basically on this same diet of chicken and vegs, teamed with his already intense workout. I hadn't seen him in a while. And let me say first that Cullen is one of the healthiest people I know. Like, ripped, people. Then I see him at the end of the run of Rocky, and I was like....I didn't think you could look better. But he did. He looked amazing. And from what I could tell, felt it.
Oh, also, big news! I bought a kettlebell. The biggest one they had at Sport Chek was 25 pounds. Which I can do 80 straight swings on. So today I decided to do one set of 80, one set of 50. Hey-o. I paired that with my usual things: plank, cat vomit, myotic crunch. And voila! I'm exhausted and smiling. Yeah. Body fat, we're THROUGH.
I'm going to do a cheat MEAL once a week. We'll try that for a while. I want to see big results. So that is my goal. Goal number one: Get skinny. Wasn't that my goal all along? Well, we're taking it one step further.
Anywho, that's pretty much all of my updates for now. I shall keep you in the light and keep informing you all of my progress. But it sort of feels like I'm back at day one, so as for achievements other than being back on the horse, there aren't any other hurdles I have overcome.
So, I shall leave you with this really sad story, as told by Martin Dockery. Not from his show Bursting Into Flames (GO AND SEE IT), but it will give you an idea of his awesomeness...
(Le Petit Strawberry pt. 1 and 2)
xo
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